2025

It’s been a minute since I published anything. I started this blog in April of 2025, and it seems that my general theme up until now has been processing grief – unintentional, just the way it’s been organically shaking out. I take my silence here as a sign that I’ve put that particular demon on my shoulder to rest at last, and so now I feel a bit lost as to what to write about.

I think my greatest accomplishment of 2025 was finding the courage to accept and publicize my grief. I got better at sitting with and expressing my emotions, both here and in the "real world" with the "real people". I rejected shame and embraced my own humanity, regardless of how "cringe" or "self-interested" I feared that others would perceive me.

As the weather has been getting colder and greyer here in Pittsburgh, though, sadness has been creeping back in. It’s been more focused on self-critique, expecting too much of myself, and fighting the voices of my past that no longer belong to me. And so, the pen (ahem... keyboard) beckons again.

Right off the coattails of the last brute that I got myself entangled with, the latter half of 2025 brought a new man into my life who has shown me so much kindness, patience, and genuine care that I sometimes struggle to believe that he isn’t punking me somehow. Thanks to my previous relationships and certain aspects of my upbringing, I internalized the belief that I am inherently unlovable because I am too sensitive and ask for too much. As a result, I have to constantly fight my own vigilance and resistance to accepting that maybe this one simply does, in fact, genuinely want to inconvenience himself for the sake of my happiness.

Rejecting the belief that I’m not worth loving is an exhausting and constant practice these days, but of all the problems I could ask for I’m thankful that it’s this one. It’s not a mess that logic can untangle – it’ll take time to get there, and it’s my responsibility to be kinder and more gentle with myself in turn.

2026 will be the year that I enter my thirties, and as arbitrary as numbers are, I’m still excited for what awaits me in my next decade.

I have no overarching goals for 2026. My intention is to simply continue being and learning.