I’m thrilled to report that life is starting to turn around! Winter is coming to an end at last.
This past week, I’ve had more good days than bad. I can feel my nervous system starting to regulate now that I’m finally settling in and knowing that there are no more changes coming anytime soon.
Living in the city is a huge boon to my mental health. I know not everybody is a city person, but I definitely am happiest when I'm not dependent on a car. My neighborhood is safe and quiet yet well connected to the rest of the city via ample public transportation. All of my essentials are within walking distance. I live near a big, beautiful park where I’ve taken up jogging again. I’m even thinking about purchasing a bicycle to commute to work on nicer days.
Reconnecting with old friends has been a treat. It’s so nice to catch up and hear about how their lives have developed while I’d been away living in another state. I’m even getting to meet new friends through the old ones. My post-college social life has never been so vibrant! And in my true introverted spirit, it makes getting home afterward to recharge all the more sweet.
Like the protagonist in The Alchemist by Paul Coelho, I endeavored to find my personal “treasure” by traveling to the far corners of the world. Yet, it turns out my treasure may have been right here at home all along. I’m finally starting to feel like I belong somewhere.
Nights can still be tough, though. That’s when memories surface of the people I once believed would be there for me no matter what, but who chose instead to disappear. Instead of avoiding or burying the hurt, I’ve learned to let it move through me. Each time I do, it feels a little less heavy.
A popular message online is that "you don’t need anybody but yourself." And sure — to survive, that’s true. But to thrive? No, I need other people in order to thrive. Caring for them, creating memories with them, and existing in relation to them brings purpose and joy to my life over any career, material possession, or travel excursion.
I tried the whole "radical independence" thing, and while it does boost my confidence knowing that I can walk through the world capable of handling anything alone, I also think it's a coping mechanism I developed because I'm used to others letting me down. It's not easy finding people who are loving, trustworthy, and reliable. But how else do we heal relational wounds if not through relationships? Yes, I've been burned more than once trusting somebody that I later learned wasn't trustworthy after all, but I'll continue taking that risk in order to find my people. When the wrong ones fail me, I'm strong enough to catch myself.
Maybe these positive feelings are just the afterglow of a fresh start or the relief of getting through a hard season.
What am I talking about? Of course they are. Feelings are fleeting. I’m only human, after all.
The stormy days will come again, but the sun is sure to follow. And then the cycle repeats. That's life, baby.